Parodylicious
by YeBritishBabe
Summary: Need a laugh? Try this little piece of madness. First timer so be nice!


Okay peeps its another fine day in the ER we all know and love (and hey if you don't love it then stop torturing yourselves and watch something else okay? And don't write annoyed reviews about a program you hate either-go assailing without a rope or feed some lions but just do something else!)

Ahem...

John Carter, "he of rich family, nutty girlfriend and heavy weight of leading" stood in the locker room looking all noble and distressed. Why? Because he's John freaking Carter okay and he's the star of this show know that Mark has buggered off to that great Bald mans club in the sky!

Susan "why am I here? Seriously?" enters, wondering why she ever returned to the show that seems to hate her.

'Hey Carter what's up?' she asks, changing her shirt for the fifth time that day after someone threw offal in her general direction.

'What? Oh nothing, I'm just standing here thinking...'

He drifts off. Susan rolls her eyes. 

'Oh get over it will you? At least you get a love interest. I got you for about five minutes and now they're going to marry me off to some guy I've only known for a few seconds. Remind me why I cam back?'

'You couldn't get work anywhere else,' answers John, looking a bit miffed and slinging his 'Mark Stethoscope of Leadership around his neck.

Susan nods as he leaves and looks around the room for a decent storyline. Maybe she could find little Susie hiding in a locker and take her home. Again.

Outside, people are supposed to work but spend most of their time shagging each other or arguing.

'Small, precocious kid who's terminally ill but really okay with it in two!' shouts Haleh "look at me now people! Yeah, I work the booty!"

'I'll take it,' says Carter, 'I can be all sympathetic and sweet with him and people will go 'aw!' and feel sad.'

He walks away having bagged another decent storyline.

'So who wants the old lady with terrible secret about to pop her clogs in one?' asks Malik "only black guy with no problems."

'Me, me, me!' says Chen "I have less storylines than Susan and I've been here longer you bastards!" 

'It'll keep me from having to shag Pratt in the toilets or something,' Chen continues, rushing for the scene.

A trauma comes through, with those handy interchangeable paramedics, so cruelly sidelined after Carol's ill-fated romance with Shep "I'm not a dog, stop whistling!" 

Pratt "by name, by nature, take that label and where it with pride man!" comes bounding in as his special trauma smelling nose ducts sense a heroic and/or stupid action awaits him. 

'Four more units! Amp of eppy! Clear!' he yells.

'Er, I'm not dying,' says Standard Patient #453.

'You're not! Then why the hell am I here?' says Pratt, bounding out again to search for Chen and some gratuitous sex scenes.

Fortunately, patient #453 gets Luka. Wait did I say fortunately? Oh no, cause patient #453 has a pulse and if it has a pulse Luke, "indestructible man-slut of the year, where has my old personality gone?" will try and hump it. Honestly, is this man a dog or what?

'Hellooo my dear patient, do not worrree for I shall be taking veeery good care of yoooou,' he drawls in that accent which makes shopping list sound sexy.

'Er, great,' says Patient #453, 'now could someone please do something about my ankle which has been royally smashed and painful?'

'Of course. Excuse me whilst I waffle some random medical phrases that no-one knows or cares about to my bootiful nurse woman.'

Nurse woman, is in fact Abbee Lockheart "my whole family are loonier than Bugs and the gang and I've had two of the best looking men in this show", who rolls her eyes, coz she's heard this all before and pretends to write down some random notes whilst in fact drawing a picture of Carter naked-see I told you they were all obsessed with sex.

'HEY Abbee!' trills Chuny "ever disposable nurse who sleeps with doctors when needed"

'You're Dads in reception. He's here to go insane and ruin your life again!'

'My Dad's the only one who's not nuts!' cries Abbee, coming out of the trauma room and hastening to the desk.

'Opps, sorry. Its just your entire family are fruit loops,' says Chuny, dashing off to change an IV or snag another doctor who knows which.

At the desk, it's OK Corral time. Frank "I'm a Christian therefore I must be a homophobic, ignorant fool" at one end, Jerry "look Susan, I'm back too and I don't know why either, where's Randi gone?" at the other. There is menace in them thar eyes. The crappy fluorescent tubes cast a heated glow. The patients, who are never seen, sit in chairs and hold their breaths. An old prescription sheet blows across the floor. Jerry reaches inside his coat. Frank does the same. 

They sweat (ew, sorry about that). Then Jerry whips out...a banana. Franks got a doughnut, its Snacks At Breaktime and they begin to eat. Jerry's ahead but gets caught on a bit of skin. Frank catches him up, but the sugars slowing him down. Who will win?

Actually no one because just then Carrie Weaver "Lesbian who shall never be happy, Crutch of Doom" raps it on the side of the desk.

'GET BACK TO WORK YOU RETARDS!' she screams, knowing that if this were a sitcom this would be her catchphrase.

'All right people, let's actually see some patients shall we?' she continues.

The patients, who have set up a Patients In Chairs support group and are fundraising with a cake stall, manage a ragged cheer.

'Don't no-body mess. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!' growls Weaver.

She collects up charts and heads off to work, which is mind-boggling but then she has to, as she's the only one who does.

Jerry flips away his banana skin leading to much hilarity as, let's say, Gallant "Eager, eager, eager as a beaver, I'm in the army you know" walks past and slips over.

'Its all right, I'm okay,' he says, standing.

Only no one noticed he went over, not even PIC support group, who are constructing makeshift shelters and handing out soup.

'Fine, fine,' he mutters, 'least I don't have to be a patient here I kill myself. But may I remind everyone I was the one who punched Pratt.'

Frank and Jerry look at each other and forget their differences in an all embracing hug to show Gallant that his gesture will never be forgotten (ha, ha-Pratt goes down, never get tired of that!). They even give him a doughnut.

Upstairs Robert Romano, "all this time and finally you give me a decent storyline which could end my career, Do you think that's funny? Do ya?" and Elizabeth Corday "crap husband, blonde kid, evil stepchild, where did my personality go an all Luka" are having one of those brilliant, snarky, arguments which is just so much verbal foreplay.

They are practically pressed together on the nurse's station when the Director intervenes.

'No, no, I've told you before, we'll have none of that!' he says, turning a hose on to soak them down.

'Urg yuck now I'm bloody wet!' snaps Elizabeth, ' why did you do that?'

'Yeah, why? Really why? I mean please why?' begs Romano, who wonders if he'll have to pay for company again tonight.

'Look you two would make the only plausible, chemistry-laden couple on this show, so therefore it's NOT gonna happen! At least not until we've drawn it out for two seasons then one of you leaves like Susan and Mark,' explains the director.

A giant fan is brought in to dry them off.

'So what happens now then?' asks Elizabeth, whose wet hair has turned into a frizzy Afro.

Romano sniggers.

'Don't you laugh you smirking twit, this is what your hair used to look like. I've seen Fame!'

Romano stops laughing at once and wishes he'd started shaving his head a LOOONG time ago.

'Well, we're gonna get you together with Dorsett and Romano will pine from afar in that way of his.'

'Oh lord! Honestly it was bad enough when you got me together with Mark. I mean if I'm going to be with a bald fella at least it could have been the fit one!'

(my personal ideas are coming through here-feel free to ignore)

She storms off to conduct some emergency surgery on Weavers long-lost sister and Romano groans.

'When am I ever gonna get laid on this show!'


End file.
